Hey god. So, I know I’m not the greatest dude ever. And you know this, also. I’m no biblical Job. If you threw trials and tribulations at me, I’d be very “frakk you, god!” and run the other way. I’m all about the short, narrow road. And I recognize this. I cheat to get ahead, I occasionally lie to make things easier for me, and I never ever look both ways before I cross the street. I really just don’t take good care of myself. I’m not a good influence.
I’m really just not a good role model. I mean, I’m a good person and all that. I donate to charity when I can, I try to help people on the side of the road. One time I even blocked a bunch of traffic in a busy intersection so that a family of ducks could cross the road safely. I’m pretty respectful of the planet. Seriously, I love your work.
But now I have a favor to ask, and I’m hoping you can find room in that galaxy-sized heart of yours to grant me just this one tiny break. I may not deserve it, but it would be really cool of you to spare my life over the next few weeks.
I’m sure you’ve heard of the Large Hadron Collider. Heck, I bet you’re part of one of the lawsuits against it (which I’m in complete support of). And I’m here to tell you that this machine will be the death of me.
You know my luck, god. If the planet gets covered in tiny black holes, I’m sure something terrible will happen to me. And I know… there’s only “little theoretical evidence” that the planet will be slowly eaten away from the inside out, but come on! “Little theoretical evidence” scares me. Sure, I’ve spent the majority of my life thus far preparing for an apocalypse… Fallout, Fallout 2, I’ve been studying up on Fallout 3. I’ve got a nuclear fallout covered. Half Life, Half Life 2, Episode 1 and 2, and all the spin-off games from Half Life 1 have taught me time after time what to do if an underground research-facility unleashes a terrible force upon the earth. Gordan Freeman is my hero. But I don’t want to have to be a Gordan Freeman. I don’t want to have to save the world. But if it comes to that… who is going to step up? Gamers, that’s who. We know how this shit hits the fan. We’ve got our crowbars at the ready and our HEV suits all charged up. So when/if it comes down to it, I’ll be your man. I’ll help save mankind, alongside my fellow nerds. We will fight to save this planet from the certain doom that the Hadron Collider will bring to us all.
But please… please save my life first. I can’t spend the rest of my days fighting off headcrabs and killing zombies FTW if the first thing that happens to me is I get sucked into a tiny black hole or struck by lightning or killed by radiation.